Wish List

So, I don't think the boy can shop without a list from me. I hate to say it, because I know I should be appreciative of a gift no matter what, but I just don't get why he can't put thought into anything really. I know he is not big on the whole gift thing, and I know it shouldn't bug me as much as it does, but, I would just love a special gift from him that I have not told him I want. Something special that he came up with on his own, that he put some thought into, not something I need, like towels or a pot or pan, not something I told him I really want like a bracelet that I emailed to him or something like that. Am I crazy? I am done shopping for him at this point, just waiting to wrap. I write things down all the time when I hear him mention something or I see something I know would be perfect for him, I guess I just don't think it is that hard? He even mentioned forgoing gifts this year and doing a trip this winter. I HATED that idea. I just can't even imagine sitting there on Christmas with nothing to open (not sure why we can't do a trip and gifts anyway). I know this shouldn't be a big deal. I know its not about the presents, but I do believe it is the thought behind it. My family always made a pretty big deal about presents, they still do. Maybe that is why I think this way.

He has gotten off very easy the past five years. The only person he has to buy gifts for or put any thought into is me. I take care of everyone else, his family and mine as well as our friends.  This year, I haven't really done much or done any shopping for anyone in his family, because realistically, I just haven't had time. But I think we are just celebrating with his mom and dad this year anyway, which makes life easier, and I have thrown out suggestions to him and ideas, but ultimately, I will leave it up to him this year.

He does do a lot to help me and support me, and that is a big gift in itself. But I would just love to have something that was special just to me from him, that no one told him I wanted and he just thought of himself, but something that has meaning too. He has bought me a lot of monkey stuff, which is sweet, and it makes me think of him, and I love my sock monkey hat, but how about something that is all me?

Meal Plan Monday!

We looked at some houses this weekend in some new areas that we were not all that familiar with which was a lot of fun. Weekend re-cap to come tomorrow. We are off to look at more houses tonight. It is really fun to get an idea of what is out there and I know that when we find the right house we will know it. Although, I am really starting to wonder. I also think that I am the one who is not going to get to make any decisions in order for the boy to be happy.

The boy told his parents at dinner last night what our plans were. Needless to say they were not jumping up and down excited, more the opposite. I guess about the same reaction he had. I kind of feel like the consolation prize or the well, if that is really what you want to do. . .kind of person. It is definitely not the happy joyous occasion like I wish it was which is really making me feel kind of sad. I don't think that it helped matters much that the boy let his parents know that this was something he wasn't really on-board with but an idea that he is getting used to. Seriously???? I don't know, maybe I am just in the wrong place, it is days like today that makes me want to move back out East, be with my friends and just be happy again. I know I would miss my family, but if this is what I have to look forward to the rest of my life, someone who feels like they have to do something and not want to do something in order to be in a relationship and be happy with me? I do know and understand that this is a big and hard decision for him, but I guess I feel like no one thinks that this is hard for me too. I feel like I have sacrificed and given a lot to this relationship and he has just coasted and kind of taken. I just feel like I deserve the opportunity to be happy too, I wish that he would try to see things my way a little bit too.

We looked at houses in a couple of new areas. Nothing in my neighborhood which makes me kind of sad because I really like my neighborhood and being so close to the lake. I really want to get out a lot this summer and walk around the lake. I love being so close to the water. When he told his mom about us moving in together, she was really negative right away saying things like, "well, he doesn't even like the same kind of houses you like" and just being kind of negative overall about being so much further away from where his current house is. In a way, I can kind of understand this because he has been so close to them for so long. But, realistically, we have spent two nights since August at his house, yet we still have Sunday dinner with them almost every Sunday. We still make plans to go to movies with them and we see them more than my parents. Maybe the boy is a true mama's boy and can't let go of her youngest, but he is 40 now, I think that it is time. He is not very good, nor has he ever been about sticking up for me or defending me. I always have to tell him this and point it out. I don't know if that is a guy thing, or maybe a sign that he just doesn't think about me as much. I really wish this was the happy momentous occasion that I wished and thought it would be, instead of this pit in my stomach and sadness in my heart. I have never really questioned my relationship with him until now. We have had our share of difficulties, but really, seriously, since the whole Navy thing, never anything really terrible at all. We have always gotten along really well and always have so much fun together. I guess I just wish that instead of feeling so sad about all of this, I wish I was super excited and felt happy. I also wish I could say maybe it will just take a little while, but if this is how things are going to be, why do I feel like this, will always be held over my head?

Ugh! Sorry, venting, and just getting my thoughts out. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about any of this, so I guess it is just good for me to get it out through my fingers. Man, I wish I had my girls here from out East. I miss them terribly during times like these. Onto Meal Plan Monday!

Monday
Plans - Look at more houses with the boys parents (his dad is a Realtor)
Dinner - We are re-creating the tomato, bacon, onion salad with buttermilk dressing that we had at Mission for my birthday, light and easy!

Tuesday
Plans - Back to the movies this week (we have not seen a movie in three weeks! Has to be a record for us!) Screening Kick-Ass
Dinner - Foccacia pannini sandwiches

Wednesday
Plans - Screening Death at a Funeral
Dinner - Potato and Ham Chowder, Sandwiches

Thursday
Plans - Screening Letters to Julia
Dinner - Tacos (we have not had these yet!)

Friday
Plans - relax, catch up on DVR
Dinner - maybe out, depends on how we feel

Saturday
Plans - Spring Gala for JLM
Dinner - Appetizers

For more Meal Plan Mondays, links to other menus and recipes, check out the Orgjunkie!

Dealing with Tough Situations

This past Monday I sorta had a melt down (not really sorta, full blown). I have had a lot weighing on my mind lately, a ton actually and finally it just all came crashing down. BUT, the good part of it all is, that I have a wonderful partner in life who helps me get through the darkest times and helps me figure things out. I am lucky in that sense, but he is not always the easiest to talk to, or the easiest to bring difficult things up to. He tends to avoid hard topics. Avoid making big decisions, and when he does make a big decision, he then tends to go back and forth on it which gives me major anxiety. The good news is though, that we reached some major decisions which will work out for both of us.

I have been carrying a lot for us for a while, and in a lot of ways, I don't really mind, but at the same time, I view relationships as two way streets and I think that we should both see things as fair. The boy has his house which is about 30 minutes from me. We stop there once a week to get his mail, check on his house, shovel the driveway or mow the lawn. We have spent one night there since August. A whole week? Not in a LONG time. The majority of our time is spent at my place, which I rent. It is closer to our friends and the things we like to do. It is also very close to his work. At his house, no cable, internet and since no one is ever there, low electricity and heat. At my house, I have cable, internet, and higher heating and electricity bills. This has been going on for 3 1/2 years. So we talked about changes and what we could do. We have also clearly outgrown my place, so we know we need something a tad bigger.

I know what a huge and difficult decision this is for him. And I know how much he loves his house and how much work he put into it. But, at the same time, I feel the work that we have put into our relationship, and what we have, deserves the chance to grow in the right environment for both of us. My hardest time with this whole thing is that I don't want to be viewed as the ultimatum girl, or the girl that makes him unhappy because he has to change things. I guess I see this as a chance to grow together and build something that is already strong into something stronger. I also think that I deserve the chance to be happy too, and for a while now, that has been hard for me because we are cramped, I am stretching my dollars and I think that we could be more successful if we were in a better environment for both of us.

We have so much fun together, we love to do so many of the same things. I love to cook dinners for us, go to the movies, we love spending time with both of our families and I guess I just don't view our relationship as a difficult or trying one. Relationships I think as you get older become more difficult because you become more set in your ways. I am willing to compromise with him in almost every way. I know there will be things that will be difficult and things we will both have to give up as we go forward, but I also know that this relationship cannot go forward unless we do it together.

I think that for me, right now, I am so incredibly happy that we came to the decision that this is something that we both want and that we can do. The next steps will be very hard. The boy said that he is going to talk to his dad this weekend about putting his house on the market, it is a good time right now, so I think that is a good thing. We both started looking at things online in areas that we both like, but I think it is going to be more a matter of getting out there and looking. We also both need to come up with our wish lists and decide how much work we want to put into a place.

The other night the boy was talking about how sad he was going to be about moving from his house and all of the memories that he had there. He said, well, I am sure it is going to be hard for you to move from here. I said no. And I believe that. I don't think that memories are something that stay in a place, they are something that you take with you and have forever and treasure. They are also something that you look forward to building somewhere new with someone else that you love and share them with. For me, that is the next step, the next chapter, building new memories and sharing them with the boy that I love in the place that WE call home.

We have watched a lot of our friends and family move, renovate their homes, change their status in life and I think that we have learned a lot from that along the way. I know that there will be trying times ahead for both of us, but I know that I am willing to give it my all in order to be the best that I can for both of us (lately, that has not been the case). I don't think I can put into words how excited I am to take this next step with him and embark on the next chapters of our lives, but safe to say, that even through the stress of a ton of things going on at work this week, a ton of activities outside of work this week and social stuff, I have felt a sense of peace with the direction things are going. More to come on the next chapters of our lives. . . .

Put a Ring On It?

I think this time of year can be unnecessarily hard on some couples. I wish that there was someone out there that could explain to me why women put this pressure on their partners to put a ring on their fingers. Over the past couple of days I have heard three different women talking about how they better be getting rings for Christmas or else. Or else what? Maybe I am not the norm, but why is it that women cannot wait for the men in their lives to be ready and surprise them with something special like that. Why do women feel it is necessary to give men an ultimatum. If he's not ready do you really think that you will be able to build a solid foundation? If you have a good solid open line of communication, don't you think that everything will fall into place?

Not for nothing, but I am glad I am a girl, I would hate to have the pressure of choosing the "right" ring, for proposing the "right" way and in the "right" amount of time. I think that if you set expectations going into the relationship, build on that communication and foundation as you build that relationship that you will eventually both get to the same point that you want to be at. I guess I think that if you rush someone into something, they may resent you at some point. Why would you push someone into something that they may not want and may not be ready for?

I am sure I have a different view on this. I have never been one of those girls where my goal in life was to be married. If it happened it happened. And it did, but it was something that we discussed mutually and decided that it was the right thing for both of us. And then it fell apart. Which I guess has made me question how well did I really know that person. Or was it more, was I not being true to myself? Not really sure there, but I do know that ever since then I have examined relationships more carefully.

For me, I know that I do not need to be married to someone to be happy. That I need to be happy with myself first before I can make someone else happy. When I am not happy, it is hard to make someone else happy, and isn't that we all strive for is happiness, contentment, being fulfilled.

I hear girls saying things like, he better be looking at rings, or if I am not engaged by Christmas, well then he can just hit the road and I just cringe. Why would you want someone you love and care about to just hit the road. Isn't this something that you can talk openly about. Maybe he is feeling some kind of financial pressure, maybe he is on another time line and you need to make a compromise, maybe he is having second thoughts about the relationship.

I am just venting here today. Recently, my mentee through JLM broke up with a boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. She is in her late 20's and they had spoken about moving in together and taking that next step. During the last couple of months she felt him pulling away. They talked about it, and ultimately he felt that he was not ready to take that next step, so they went their own ways, which was the best thing for her as she had other goals in mind. As it turned out he wound up going on to have an affair with a married woman in their office (poor thing still has to work with the guy). Obviously this was someone that did not even share the same morals or ethics as she did, so it was definitely best in the long run, but what if she would have pushed him into something he was not comfortable with. Would they ever have been happy?

I am really curious how men feel about this. The boy and I talk about this quite a bit as we have seen it happen in a couple of relationships. His brothers for one, she kept saying they needed to get married for the boys (she has two OLDER boys from a previous marriage), not sure why, but whatever. I just think that if you have already been married twice, and neither of them worked out, you better examine yourself pretty closely before you decide to do it again. They do not have a pre-nup which I think is a HUGE mistake, but whatever. The boy also has a cousin who married a very young woman, she was married at 19. My goodness, at 19? I know that things were different years ago, but in this day and age, I was SO not grown up at 19! I had a lot of living and learning left to do! Of course I hope they make it, but I look at her posts on Facebook and just wonder, hmmm. She just had their first baby a week ago, I am sure that will make you grow up fast.

Please, no one has a perfect relationship, I am not an expert on ANY of this. I was just spouting a bit. I am happy that I do have a good solid relationship, but it does take a lot of work, on a daily basis, and I think that talking and communication is first and foremost. You really need to be on the same page going into it, no?

I guess all this Tiger news has really gotten to me and has also gotten me thinking. UGH! I HATE hearing about it non-stop. And it is really hard not to. I feel for them. It is such a private ordeal to go through, but he is a professional athlete, so unfortunately, his life is played out in the public. He obviously did not think too much about that going into these affairs. I also look at the women coming forward and I wonder, really? is this how you want your 15 minutes of fame captured? I feel for his children. Tiger obviously did not think much about how his fathers trysts affected him as a child. He obviously did not think about how much it degraded his mother. Part of me wonders if he does not have enough respect for himself, or his wife. Mutual respect is a big part of a strong relationship.

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. There are things I admire so greatly about the boy, I hold him in such high regard, but I also feel it mutually which I think is so important.

Maybe it helps that I love my basics, pearls and such, but I am not a "jewelry" girl. I love my costume jewelry and adding it to outfits as accessories, but I also have always had issues wearing rings. . . so, don't put a ring on it. Maybe when I am 80 for estate planning purposes.

Just to end on a wonderful note. I attended a Christmas wedding years and years and years ago. It was the weekend before Christmas and it was a candlelit service and the bridesmaids wore red velvet and carried white roses, while the bride wore a beautiful white dress with a BEAUTIFUL white cape that was trimmed in fur and carried beautiful red roses. They departed the ceremony via a horse drawn sleigh, it was stunning and SO romantic. So, I am not AGAINST marriage, I just think it is so much more beautiful when you see that mutual love.

Mixed Emotions

I have been on a roller coaster the past couple of days. I know that part of it has to do with the fact that I just not really myself at the moment (if you are female then you most likely know what I mean). But there is another part of me, the part that is not losing patience so quickly, that is rather fed up with some things.

First things. A while back, some friends and I tossed around some emails regarding a "Guac Off". I even came up with our team name, "Guac This Way", we needed a team of five, I knew we had three or four for sure, but was not positive. A couple of weeks ago, I emailed the "friend" that had registered us and told her that I may have to drop out unfortunately due to possible work travel, but that I was letting her know right away and would keep her informed. I updated her again last week to let her know that nothing was certain yet, but again, as soon as I knew I would let her know. Now, please keep in mind, at no time did she say anything about an alternate team member or anything, just thanks for keeping her in the loop. Yesterday, I got an email from one of the girls asking me if I was coming over for the practice run in a couple of weeks. What? I didn't even know that we were going to be having one. Hmmm. So I responded and said, oh, well, if I am in town I will, who is on the team. She let me know that my "friend" had emailed everyone the day before and made arrangements. I double checked my email, nothing. SO, at this point, I emailed my "friend" and let her know that I still had not heard about the work travel but I should know something later that day, and oh, who are our five? She replied back and said that we had five, named them, and then said if I was in town I should come and watch them.

I was very upset, my feelings were hurt and I did not understand at all what had transpired. Now, I should also mention at this point that this "friend" is an only child. Is married in her mid 30's without children, and is kind of a spoiled brat. She also tends to get a little out of hand after a couple of cocktails and says whatever she thinks. So, I responded back telling her that I was upset and that my feelings were hurt that she had not included me, it clearly was not an oversight. She replied back saying that we must have had a miscommunication, but as I had forwarded her my messages that I had sent her the previous two weeks, that was clearly not the case. It was just a failure to communicate on her part. I did not hear anything back. NOW, I have to see her and her husband on Sunday for another event. I really think that she owes me an apology at the least. I just don't understand an adult treating a friend that way, but maybe we aren't friends.

Second. I have both single friends and married friends. I am neither, but I have been in a long term relationship that I am committed too. But people, that does not make me dead. Lately my single girlfriends have been going out together, a lot, but not inviting me. When I do invite them to something, and if there are other couples that are going to be there, they say things like, "oh, no thanks, that is a couples thing". Our married friends have also been getting together, but probably not including us because we aren't married? I for one, just like hanging out with my friends doing things. I don't have labels for them. I always invite them to everything regardless. Now, the boy and I are a part of a couples club, and we do things with them, but this is just going out and hanging out things I am talking about. Or even just a girls night. I am not dead, right?

Third. There is one acquaintence who has been a part of our mix for a while. At first I thought she was fun, nice, neat to be around. The more that I got to know her though, I realized that there were some character qualities that were not high on my list. So, I took a step back. My two good girl friends though have gotten really tight with her, we don't do things all together really, but in some ways I feel badly about this, but in other ways I realize that this is just not someone I would choose to be close friends with, and I think that is okay. However, while I will include her in invitations to things, it is never reciprocated, and they do not include me when they all do things together. But am I supposed to just ignore traits in a person that I just do not agree with?

This is just kind of a pity party today. I guess I am just kind of grumpy about these things and frustrated. My expectation is to treat someone as you would expect them to treat you. However, as I have learned in the past, I have high expectations. Or do I?

Happy Birthday to my Sister!

Last night the boy and I went over to my sisters to have some cake and ice cream and celebrate her birthday, which is today, with the rest of my family. It was good to see the kids, and we had the BEST ice cream cupcakes from Cold Stone, SO good! She loved her gift and I had fun putting it together.
It is weird because unlike a lot of other people I know, my sister and I are not terribly close, nor do we have ANYTHING in common, besides our mom and dad. Sometimes I am baffled that we were even raised in the same household. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't because I lived on the East coast for 18 years and she stayed here in MN the whole time. But the reality of it is, we were never very much alike. Ever. She has always been a total tom-boy running around with all of the boys in the neighborhood playing football, wondering why my mom would make her put her shirt back on if all the other boys had theirs off, while I was off playing with my Ginny dolls with the girls in the backyard in my playhouse. As we got older, while I never had a problem trying new things when it came to my food palate, she stuck to her hot dogs and cheeseburgers. I prefer skirts and dresses and like to match and have a room that is immaculate, she preferred overalls, tie-dye and birkenstocks and walking through her room was like coming through a mine field. She married her college sweetheart right out of college, settled down and had children while I focused on my career, reluctantly got married due to my living situation and not wanting to disappoint my parents, and then divorced, while still focusing on my career.
We have had our ups and downs throughout the years, we really don't see eye to eye on much. Religion, she has gone in a different direction, which is fine, but she is not raising her kids with religion, again, fine, her choice, but I am surprised my parents don't pipe up more on that one. Politics, do not get me started, we just don't discuss and I TRY to also let her children know that there is more than one choice. Food. UGH. She is now what my brother calls a born again vegetarian. Fine. I have no problems with people who make these choices, for the right reasons. She just hates to cook, she hates to touch raw meat and she just doesn't enjoy any part of it, so, I think she basically just quit. What drives me more nuts is what she feeds her children. Don't get me started. Last night they had mircowaved french toast sticks and grapes. But my oldest nephew J made it. If there is any meat that is part of a meal my brother in law does it, I just hate to see that the kids are not getting well balanced meals. Careers. I just don't understand going to school for 4 years to get a MRS degree, but a lot of people do it, I know, and she has put hers to use here and there. She does work part-time for the school district her kids attend, so she gets all school holidays and the summers off, but she constantly complains about money, but as far as I can see, she is the only one that can change that. Socializing. She just doesn't do it. Well, she does and doesn't. She does belong to a M.O.M's (Mothers of Multiples) group and she does have friends from there, but the only baby-sitter other than family that she has had in 10 years, I arranged and paid for this past January. When my parents left for parts South this past winter, she took a leave of absence from her job so that she would be there to put the kids on the bus and when they got off. I invite her to do a ton of things with the boy and I and her excuse is constantly we can't afford or don't have a baby-sitter. Growing up my sister and I had baby-sitters at least once a week, so again, I have no idea where she gets this mentality from.

So, we have had our rifts over the years, and she was one of the main reasons I moved back to Minnie, but, I don't really think that she has ever realized the sacrifice or appreciated it. I really wanted to be a part of my niece and nephews lives, I am their only Aunt (they do have one other aunt and uncle and two girl cousins on my brother in laws side) so I really wanted to be part of their lives. I didn't want to be that aunt who just passes through town, and knowing that kids were never going to be a part of my own personal life, it meant a lot to me to be more involved with them. She doesn't really keep me in the loop on stuff, just assumes that I am busy, so I will get upset with her about things like that (I say, just let me know, if I can make it I will, if I can't I can't, but at least give me the option so that I know that there is something going on), she gets upset with me because she thinks that I just don't have enough time for them, so it is a miscommunication basically most of the time, but oh well.

I guess I always look at the sister relationships of other friends of mine, and I always wish for that bond that I just don't think will ever be there. I know that part of it is due in fact that I don't have children and she does, so in some ways, we just look at things differently. I also think it is just one of those situations where you don't get to choose your family, but you do your friends.

SATC the Movie and Weddings. . .

So the boy and I went to dinner and to check out the new SATC movie. I felt as though I was the last female on the planet to see it. My girls out East had seen it last week of course, texting me from cocktails, calling me to tell me they wished I was there, IM'ing me this week to let me know that it just wasn't the same seeing it without me, couldn't I come out and see it with them again. Religiously we would all get together to watch. Curling up on the couch with our pizza and wine, or if we were in the mood, even a dinner we would make together. We would discuss each episode, tearing it apart, comparing one another to the different characters and relating to different situations, being the single girls that we were. Seeing it with the boy was nice, just not the same, especially since he had never seen a single episode.
I was really surprised to see how packed the theater was even on a Wednesday night. Mainly women, but there were a few men as well. I could have waited to see it with some of the girls here, but sister S., being 9 months pregnant, is really only up for about one outing a week at this point and had been to the Twins game the night before. T. is going to see it Sunday, we will still be at the lake, but it would have been fun to see it with her and her girlfriends, and sister J. is swamped with work, have not seen much of her in the past weeks, so the boy and I saw it.
I really enjoyed it, there were laughs, tears and some revelations. I was surprised that the girls let Carrie wear that hideous bird in her hair, anyone else? Especially when afterwards they were all like, ohhhh, is that what that is. . .it was fun to see all of the beautiful dresses and couture and I am happy to see strong, confident women still wearing fur!

I am not going to spoil anymore for anyone who has not seen it yet, but we all have heard about the whole wedding. I just want to vent about a little of this for a moment because I can relate to some of what Big was saying and feeling throughout the movie. For crying out loud, who needs a big wedding the third time around? Isn't it a little ridiculous? The boys brother is getting married the end of this month. It is his first. However, it is her third. They are older, so okay, fine. But seriously, SHE is the one pushing for all of the "stuff", which I just think is BEYOND ridiculous!!!!!! I mean COME ON! SHE booked the "hall" even before she had the RING on her finger, which she also picked out. She cannot WAIT for her Bachelorette party, which is going to be SUCH a party. I am invited. I have politely said that I would join them later at some point, but I have an obligation that I have to attend as well, I don't. I just do not A.) think that is necessary to take an RV all over getting drunk along the way, B.) know for sure where my partying skills rank amongst her party goers since she had to tell me how well each of her guests can drink and party and C.) think it is necessary to make a spectacle of yourself out in public declaring how you are getting married (especially since I am sure her tattoos will be showing, she has her two previous husbands names tattooed and crossed out, I am worried that there may be a parlor stop along the way for a third).

She has stated time and again how this is for her boys, the marriage. I disagree because I don't think at 11 and 14 they are questioning who their daddy is, and since the boys brother doesn't really get any input as to how they are raised (yet they live under "their" roof) then why bother. If she wants to do something for her boys, then maybe spend some time with them and focus on the things going on in their lives, like getting suspended from school for threatening to shoot one of your classmates with a b.b gun. Oh wait, that wasn't his fault. . . yes people, she is one of those parents. Now please keep in mind, that I really don't get to have an opinion about any of this because I don't have any children, and I have never raised any children, so I don't really know anything about how to raise kids. . . .right? Oh wait, I am still a person.

The other boy was reprimanded in school for wearing a tee shirt that was in poor taste. It happened to be the tee shirt that she brought him back from Vegas which had shadows of naked women on it. Please keep in mind he is 11. He was asked to turn it inside out by the principal. He told the principal no and walked away. She praised her son for this behavior. Way to stick up for himself and they really did not see a problem with the shirt. Now during all of this, the boys brother sits there and does not say a word. Co-parenting anyone? The whole thing just floors me. These conversations were followed up a day later by her letting me know that she does not raise her children to automatically just respect adults, they need to earn her kids respect just like anyone else. I was SHOCKED when I heard this, I mean just floored. I stammered and said, well, what about their teachers, I mean surely it is helpful for them to respect them so that they can do well in school. Oh no, they are the worst offenders and just flaunt their positions. Hmmmm, interesting viewpoint. I am curious as to what will happen the first time they encounter the "law". I do not think that she owns a copy of Emily Post, nor do I think she even knows who she is, so Miss Manners she is not.

Needless to say, the whole thing is BEYOND frustrating for me. I have to bite my tongue so much it is not even funny. Between a wedding which is a kind of a joke to me, and having to spend my free time with mouthy tweenage disrespectful boys who are just not all that enjoyable to be around and then not being able to be myself because I really cannot speak up and say what I think, the whole thing is just not fun. It is hard to just not be myself if that makes sense. I also get to spend my weekends talking about the upcoming nuptials, take part in the planning and helping where I can (she was going to have fake flowers that she put together from Michael's for her bouquet and nothing on the reception tables, I HAD to put my foot down there and told her that I would do something, we know at this point how I feel about fresh flowers) as well as the last two weekends in June attending functions and then the wedding.

Don't get me wrong, I think being in a healthy stable relationship is wonderful, but I think it needs to be a two way street and I just do not see that here. I think there are a few people in the boys family that have some concerns, but of course, no one will say anything. I have let the boy know how I feel. And after the whole, "my kids don't need to respect adults" conversation, I did grab him and tell him that he needed to get me out of there and take me for a ride before I lost it, but still. I just do not get people. At all. It is weird how I can be SO happy for some people getting married (my friends J and K from CT are getting married the same weekend) Kimba, Red, and anyone else who should decide to, for the right reasons, but this one, I am just having a hard time supporting someone getting married for the third time using her kids as an excuse.

I told the boy when I first met him that I just did not think that I would ever get married again. I have been married, it didn't work out, kids are not in my future, and while I think that I will be with the boy rocking in our rockers well into our latter years, enjoying the golden years, I just don't see a reason for a piece of paper to tell me how I feel about someone, or for me to know how that person feels about me. I think once is enough. I do think there are some really good reasons for it, but at this point in my life I just don't see enough of them to justify getting married again. This whole circus that is about to ensue in the coming weeks is enough for me. IF someone should decide to get married again, I wish it would at least be tasteful. She gave the boys parents a framed professional (can you say Olan Mills?) portrait of the two of them for Christmas (engagement photo?), I guess that was the foreshadowing of what was to come in February with the wedding announcement. . . . .

Okay, done venting. Sorry. But it did feel good to get it all out. I am sure there are those of you who would agree with getting married as many times as possible, Elizabeth Taylor anyone? And I think that everyone has a right to their opinion, I just think that this is a little insane and when you have to spend your free time (which you may have very little of) discussing this wedding on a regular basis it does get frustrating. The boys parents think that a pre-nup should be signed, I agree wholeheartedly, but I also have been around enough to know that A.) she won't sign it and will throw a fit and B.) if they even bring it up to the boys brother, he will get offended. I did speak to the boy about this, who also thinks it is a good idea, I am hoping that he is able to bring it up and get the point across. But again, things like this is how families get divided and I now that no one wants that.

Date Nights!

I am a lucky girl to not have to worry about date nights or ask to go out and do things. I get to spend my free time with this wonderful boy who loves to do things and go on new adventures but is just as content to stay in with me, have a nice dinner (my little guinea pig), a nice fire, glass of wine and play some scrabble or watch something on tv. We have joined the Minneapolis Institute of Arts, the MN Zoo and now we have become a subscriber to the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra in the past year. There are always things that come up, concerts, wine tastings, dinners with friends, trying new restaurants and it is VERY rare that he ever complains and he comes up with a lot of things on his own as well. Friday nights are usually reserved for dinner and a movie or two, but lately I have been so busy with work I just want to keep things low key and he is great with just ordering a pizza and relaxing at home.

We have had a busy week, Monday night we had talked about heading out to a nearby tavern that was serving corned beef in cabbage. But when we were at Super Target Sunday morning I mentioned maybe we should get the fixings because I knew I was going to have a busy work day, no problem he said and he really enjoyed me making it and even told his mom and dad how delicious it was.

Tuesday night we saw Daughtry and Bon Jovi which was wonderful. But again, he was such a good sport, we had planned on getting dinner and drink near the stadium before the show, but in reality I had too much work to do so he had leftovers and we got to our seats after Daughtry had started (no matter anyway, I could have skipped that part). Bon Jovi was wonderful and we had a really good time.
Wednesday night we had to change plans as well. His parents came over and we went and checked out a couple of houses in my neighborhood. Just looking at something that came on the market two blocks down from me that I was curious about. His dad is a agent so he got the combo to the box and we took a look, not sure what I think about it for sure, more on that later. . . .I had gotten movie premiere tickets for Sleepwalking which was a really good movie. Charlize Theron is a favorite of mine, and her daughter in the movie, AnnaSophia Robb,
was also in Bridge to Terabithia and is an incredible young actress. We only had time to grab a quick slice of pizza before the show, so my fajitas got scrapped this week.

Thursday evenings plans got scrapped as well. Taking on this new role in this new company I joined the executive management team. Everyone is kind of all over the place, but they wanted to do a meet and greet here locally so we had a get together at Britt's last night.
It was really nice and it was really nice that they did that for me. It gave me the opportunity to put a face to a name since a lot of the people that I will be working with will be over the phone, email and IM. Those who were not local flew in, they really went that extra mile which was nice. Significant others and spouses were encouraged to come as well which was nice so the boy joined me. He is really such a good sport, I sorta ditched him and spent the majority of the evening talking shop with two of the management team. It was great don't get me wrong, and I could not have been more impressed with the boy, he is so wonderful, he can talk to anyone and get right in the mix. There was a trivia game going on and they had a team and he was having a blast and since he was so good our team was excited to have him on our team. It was a long night too, and I know he was not happy about having to get up and go into work today while I rolled out of my bed, still in PJ's into my office. But again, a wonderful sport. And when I mentioned maybe we should stay in tonight, he was all for it.

So as the snow comes down here in Minnie, yes we could get another 5 to 8 inches,
I am thinking about some fish for dinner, a fire and catching up on DWS, American Idol and vegging. It has been a long week, but I am just thankful to have such a wonderful and understanding date!

I hope you all have a happy Easter. We are off this weekend to celebrate with family. My mom asked me what I wanted in my basket (I love that she still does baskets for us!) and I told her a bag of starburst jelly beans all for me, I don't want to share. Terrible I know. . . .

Relationships

The past couple of months being as hard as they were, were compounded by the fact that I felt very alone throughout the whole thing (except for you guys in blogland of course). I missed my girls out East more than anything and I also missed the US Open for the first time in 16 years, which made me miss the girls even more since I usually go with them. I had not, up until this point, really formed the strong bonds of female relationships with anyone here that I trusted with my feelings on this which made going through this with the boy even harder. My sister was there, as much as she could be with three kids, a husband, a dog, a new kitten (going through heat I may add and then getting fixed and declawed), a turtle, three hermit crabs, kids going back to school and having to go back to work herself. So no, she didn't really have time for me, not that she does really anyway. I have made a couple of girlfriends recently who are sisters, and they were wonderful but they are also new relationships, so it was new. So there was really no one here that I fully trusted with my full feelings on everything and it made things with the boy that much more difficult.

Well, I am that lucky though. Back on September 5th, a couple days after Labor Day Weekend, one of my girls from out East called me that morning and asked what I was doing for dinner. I picked her up from the airport at 6:00 we went and had a fabulous dinner, got to spend some quality one on one time just talking, laughing, crying and catching up and then I took her back to the airport at 9:45 to put her back on a plane headed for NYC. Oh how I miss her. I miss her smiling face, her cheeriness, her positive outlook on life, the relationships that she shares with her three sisters and mother-each of whom welcome me into their own lives with open arms as well, and just her.

I miss having that shoulder to lean on, the shoulder to cry on, and the silence and comfort of someone who just knows and gets me. I miss the person I share a past with, the person who shares the same core values and morals that I do. I miss having the girls to just hang out on the front porch with or curl up on the couch with and watch a good chick flik. I miss having the girls to get ready with for a fabulous night out. I miss mornings on the beach filled with rehashing the night before and planning that evenings festivities. I miss the camaraderie and companionship and everything they bring to my life. I am working to build that here, but there are just some things you cannot replace.

I am so lucky to have someone in my life though that recognized through this struggle that I needed her and I needed her here to pick me up when I didn't think that I could myself. It was so wonderful having her here, even if it was just for one dinner. I am a lucky person and she is a beautiful thoughtful person who deserves all of the wonderful things in life that are bestowed upon her. . . .

Blog Break

Hey guys, hope you all had a great Labor Day weekend. I just wanted to post a quick note to let you all know that I need to take a quick break. This stuff with the boy is too much at the moment and while getting things out through my fingers and having you guys there to lean on is one of the most wonderful things, I need to take a quick break. I will try to keep up with all of you when I can. Thank you all so much for being there for me, right now I need to try to be there for me. Thanks.

Weekend Recap!

The weather was really nice here this weekend, and thinking about how quickly the summer is coming to an end, I decided to just try to let things go and head to the lake with the boy this weekend. We knew that we would have Friday and most of Saturday to ourselves, so I thought that would be some good one on one time together, and it was. His mom and dad, brother, his girlfriend and the boys came over Saturday afternoon. We all had a nice dinner together that evening. We did all talk together about the decision that the boy is being faced with at the moment and the consequences of his choices. It was not an easy conversation, nor was it that easy to be as open and honest with all of them about my feelings and what I thought, but I had to. They also let him know how they felt as well. Everyone knows what a hard decision that he is being faced with at the moment. He has to finish out this week, his hours are better anyway, and then he has drills next weekend along with his PRT (Physical Readiness Test) and then he is done. If he chooses. I still am not sure what he is going to do . We did talk about it all the way back early Sunday morning. He had to be back early Sunday morning, he was on-call. It was a hard conversation to have but we needed to. He says right now that he is not going to renew his contract. But I am not going to believe anything until it is all said and done. This is a really hard time for me because I am questioning everything, a lot of things I never did before and I feel insecure in a relationship that 99% of the time makes me feel better than I can ever imagine. I know that if we can get through this it will only make our relationship stronger. Wait and see I guess. It is just the waiting that is hard.

More on Relationships

I got through the day. There were times that I didn't think I would but I want to thank you all for your thoughts, advice and kind words. This has been such a weird week for me.

When I got back on Sunday from the lake, my sister told me that one of the girls from my MOCA Young Survivors group had passed away that day. She was my age, a month younger, diagnosed almost to the day that I was and her name was Jill. Weird. She and I were not close, in fact more the opposite, she was an intrusive type of person always trying to tell me how to take care of myself, but again, that was just her style. Her mom passed away last August, also from Ovarian cancer. I am happy that they are both at peace together, Jill fought a long hard battle, never once being in remission. I did not go to the service, she was Jewish and I was not very close with her or her family, so it all happened very fast this week. I knew through her emails over the past couple of months that she had taken a turn for the worse. I have different reactions to things like this, for some reason this time I was very matter of fact. Everything for a reason. It also seems to have completed my three. The third death close to me in five months. Relationships are hard.

I had Tango and Cash's dad over for dinner tonight. He is a wonderful person. Going through a divorce at the moment, which I know first hand is not easy, but sometimes necessary. He is dealing with it the best way he can and I hope that he knows that through this all I am here for him. I enjoyed his company tonight, we had a nice dinner and I shared with him the happenings between the boy and I. He understood and gave me the male perspective which was good. I don't know what is going to happen at this point or how I feel but I do know that I just need to take a step back and think about things and how I feel. I really don't think that I can live with the military being that big of a piece of my life. If he decides to not renew his contract with the military, why was it that hard of a decision to make, knowing what he would be sacrificing?

Relationships are hard. . .but I will get through this just like I have gotten through every other aspect of my life so far. I think the fact that I cannot see a clear line between my life and his right now tells me that I seem to have lost myself somewhere along the way and I need to find that again. Relationships are SOOOOO hard. . .

Relationships

I know this is usually a Thursday post for me, but I will get back to my things I am diggin' tomorrow (I do have some good stuff this week too!). Something has come up though, and I kind of need some help. This is a really really really hard one for me, and I am at a loss.

I think I did something kind of stupid. I hate ultimatums. I mean HATE them. Girls that say put a ring on my finger or we are through, stupid stuff like that. But I think that I kind of did it, although my sister assures me that I didn't. Before I get into the nitty gritty, here was my ultimatum. The boy is at the end of his contract with the Navy. He has 14 years in and needs to do 6 more for full retirement benefits. But, I am not sure if I can do another 6 years and a mobilization with the Navy. So I basically said it was us or the Navy. Meaning we would have to break up and move on with our lives separately if he chose to renew his contract.

Now, this was not and is not an easy decision for me to make at all. BUT, the Navy consumes a big part of both of our lives and I struggle on a regular basis to see what kind of a benefit comes out of it. I know I am being hypocritical here because I do support our troops overseas and understand and appreciate what they are fighting for, I just don't want him to volunteer to go, which is what he would be doing.

His blood pressure is finally in check. They got him on the right medications and it has been normal for the past three weeks. Last week, before he had to do his two weeks of duty, he had made the decision to end his contract with the Navy. I told him he should probably call and let them know, he did, but they never returned his call. I knew that once he was down there these two weeks that they would talk to him and make him see things differently. At this point in his military career, he has to give it up and walk away, most likely not being able to get back in due to his medical, or continue down the path that he is on. They want to send him to a special school for a year to become a chief, which is the next highest pay grade for him. Then he will have to do a mobilization before becoming a chief, not sure where or how long and there is a slim to outside chance that with his medical they would not send him. BUT then other part of this is, once becoming chief, they could send him anywhere in the US.

The Navy is NOT his full time job, he has a 9 to 5 Monday through Friday job. This is two days a month, two weeks a year. And prior to those two days a month, he is stressed out, doesn't sleep and cannot focus. He gets through the two days and then is completely sleep deprived. This two week exercise that he is doing I am sure is a ton of fun. It is an exercise being done simultaneously all over the world, he can't tell me that much more about it, but they do have guys in from Hawaii that are helping with it, and I know they are having a good time. Like my sister said to, I am sure there is a lot of adrenaline pumping.

After he does his 20 years, at age 60 he will be eligible for a severance of $1700-$2000 a month and full medical. My point to him on that is, what good is $1700-$2000 a month if you don't have anyone to share it with and who is going to take you to all of your doctors appointments. Heck, with some of the things that have been happening in my life lately, who knows if you will even see 60, why not enjoy the here and now? One of the things that he has said he has enjoyed over the past year is the added stability that I bring to his life. No drama, we are really good together and we have a lot in common and just love the good times and work through the bad.

This is SOOOOO hard for me. I love and cherish my day to day life with him and everything we do. I love the times that we have spent together and the way that I have grown to be a part of his family and the way that he has become a part of mine. I absolutely love this person, BUT, I don't know if I can go through this for another 6 years. It is all about quality of life right? But the Navy, while I am sure benefits him in a lot of ways, does not benefit us and I think that he would be just fine without it. Neither of us are hurting for money, so I think the $1700 a month is a joke. Medical can change in the next 10 to 20 years as well. This is SO flippin hard.

Another one of the reasons why this is so hard on me is because, he is really all I have here. I have my family and his, but all of my good friends that I can talk to about this stuff are back East. If he leaves for a mobilization, I am here alone. I don't even know how to end this relationship, but I did tell him that I don't want to drag it out because I think that will just make things harder. He needs to just make a decision and we need to move on. I think part of me though knows that there is some damage that has been done to our relationship because he knows what is at stake and this is still that hard of a decision for him. Me or the Navy and he can't decide. I don't know, maybe I did the wrong thing here, but like my sister said, we are a couple and we should be making a big decision like this together. But, I don't think we are on the same side of the fence is the problem. This has been so incredibly draining on us. Did I make a mistake with the ultimatum though? I am not looking for a ring or a wedding or anything like that, I am just asking for him, and 100% of him. Relationships are sooooooo tough.

Relationships

Can be hard and frustrating. We set our expectations higher I think for those we care about more. The boy and I love going up to the lake. I am a planner, an organizer, it is what I do for a living. I also do it in my personal life. I started a wine club, I plan three events per month and I enjoy it. I also like to plan parties for my friends and I. When it comes to going up to the lake, I like to plan there too. Meals. It is important because there is not a grocery store nearby and once we get up there we like to just stay and not go anywhere or do anything. So, I plan meals. I start this well in advance. Maybe I see a recipe that I would like to try and share with his family, maybe he mentions something he would like to have, whatever it may be. I also feel the need to bring things and take care of things so as not to be free loader or take advantage of others.

This has now been looked at by his brother and his brothers girlfriend as controlling and that I am taking things over. This stems from over the fourth. I did plan meals with his mother the week before we went up. Needed to. It was going to be her first time up there since her surgery and I also wanted to make it clear to her that she should not feel the need to do anything but continue to take care of herself to get back to 100%. The boys brother and his girlfriend were in S. Dakota with her boys the week before and they did not bring anything up to us before they left regarding planning meals, and we did see them the day before they left for their trip. There were 13 of us up there over the 4th, UMMMMM, there was a NEED to plan meals. But, I guess I am just controlling and trying to take over. I am ticked.

I am hurt, I don't want to go up there anymore, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to be around them, especially when they personally attacked me and my personality. I know that this stems from the fact that the boy spoke to his brother over the 4th about the fact that her boys were being rude and disrespectful to me and that we did not care for their actions. This upset the girlfriend and I can understand that, but again, her boys were not behaving and at one point almost rode my head over with a water bike. They do not have any manners and are not polite. They never say please, thank you or excuse me and are just rude. They also eat everything in sight that they want to. I have just had it. I know I am venting, but I am ticked and don't know what to do. If she is confronted by me she will take the oh I didn't say that or mean anything by that. But I just hate being talked about behind my back. They told the boys parents that they would not be surprised if the next time they come up to the lake the pictures on the wall had been changed. Now how does one take that. Sorry to vent, but I have not slept all night, my eyes are puffing from crying and the worst part is the boy did not even come to my defense and call his brother or defend me to his parents. Yeah sure he doesn't like conflict, but I also guess I know now how he feels about me too. . . . .

sorry, having a poor me day and have to get through a full day of facilitating and planning a session here in Green Bay. . . .

Relationships

Relationships to me come in all different shapes and sizes and we come across many different types throughout our day. I absolutely adore my niece and nephews and my relationship with them to me is very important. My nephew Grant, who is the younger of my two nephews is very special to me.

He has always been the one to climb right up on my lap, cuddle with me, hold my hand when we walk anywhere and loves to have me read to him before he goes to sleep. He is an incredibly bright child who has been reading pretty much anything and everything for over a year, can spell pretty much anything you ask him too, and knows his times. Of course when he told me he knew his times, I thought that he meant times of day, but oh no, he knows his multiplication tables, ummm, I still struggle with those. Did I mention he just finished kindergarten and he is 6 1/2? I don't think they taught him all that in kindergarten, I also have a feeling he has been doing his big brothers home work for him, he is in second grade. . .

I think the computer teaches him a lot, he would always say things like, need more data, and go to the computer and find different educational sites. He has been on the computer since he was two, he has been loading his own games since he was three, but not in the typical way, he will go to the run prompt and do it from there. Sometimes I wonder how far this will take him.

Will he be bored in first grade like he was in kindergarten? Will the kids think he is a little weird? Will he be able to relate to his teachers? His social interaction needs some help, he is incredibly sensitive and his feelings get hurt easily and he cries these big gigantic crocodile tears that just break my heart. I think that his big brother and twin sister protect him, but they tend to just kind of run all over the place too. He and his twin are quite close, but I think that she needs her space as well.

He is VERY particular about the way he dresses and keeps his room. His room is always immaculate and organized. His clothes always hung up and put away and he prefers button downs, collard shirts or anything with a sweater vest.

And of course he is a huge fan of anything madras or plaid.

To me, a guy after my own heart. We have been teasing him since he was very little that he had OCD, I don't think it is funny anymore though, because he really does get quite upset if anyone messes with his room. My sister and her husband call him Alex P. Keaton. I think he is beyond adorable. Whenever I take him anywhere people think he is mine. The blond hair, always smiling and the blue eyes. Makes me proud, but I do let people know he is just my nephew.

These are just some thoughts that I have been having lately. I do something special with each of the kids every month. I ask each of them what they have in mind. The oldest loves to go to MOA, a sporting event or this big arcade downtown called Gameworks. Miss Grace loves to go shopping, get her nails done or go to Build a Bear, sometimes Disney on Ice or something like that if it is in town. My little Grant, he loves to go to the zoo, have a picnic in the park or go to the movies, but most of all he says he likes to just spend time with me and when we go to eat it is never McDonald's or TGIFridays or anywhere like that, he wants a culinary experience and always asks to look at my cookbooks.

What a funny little guy, but oh I enjoy him so much. You can understand why his approval of the boy was very important to me,

and the fact that it took him 10 months to warm up to him was pretty tough, but I am so happy that they have become friends!