Wednesday, August 22, 2007


I know this is usually a Thursday post for me, but I will get back to my things I am diggin' tomorrow (I do have some good stuff this week too!). Something has come up though, and I kind of need some help. This is a really really really hard one for me, and I am at a loss.

I think I did something kind of stupid. I hate ultimatums. I mean HATE them. Girls that say put a ring on my finger or we are through, stupid stuff like that. But I think that I kind of did it, although my sister assures me that I didn't. Before I get into the nitty gritty, here was my ultimatum. The boy is at the end of his contract with the Navy. He has 14 years in and needs to do 6 more for full retirement benefits. But, I am not sure if I can do another 6 years and a mobilization with the Navy. So I basically said it was us or the Navy. Meaning we would have to break up and move on with our lives separately if he chose to renew his contract.

Now, this was not and is not an easy decision for me to make at all. BUT, the Navy consumes a big part of both of our lives and I struggle on a regular basis to see what kind of a benefit comes out of it. I know I am being hypocritical here because I do support our troops overseas and understand and appreciate what they are fighting for, I just don't want him to volunteer to go, which is what he would be doing.

His blood pressure is finally in check. They got him on the right medications and it has been normal for the past three weeks. Last week, before he had to do his two weeks of duty, he had made the decision to end his contract with the Navy. I told him he should probably call and let them know, he did, but they never returned his call. I knew that once he was down there these two weeks that they would talk to him and make him see things differently. At this point in his military career, he has to give it up and walk away, most likely not being able to get back in due to his medical, or continue down the path that he is on. They want to send him to a special school for a year to become a chief, which is the next highest pay grade for him. Then he will have to do a mobilization before becoming a chief, not sure where or how long and there is a slim to outside chance that with his medical they would not send him. BUT then other part of this is, once becoming chief, they could send him anywhere in the US.

The Navy is NOT his full time job, he has a 9 to 5 Monday through Friday job. This is two days a month, two weeks a year. And prior to those two days a month, he is stressed out, doesn't sleep and cannot focus. He gets through the two days and then is completely sleep deprived. This two week exercise that he is doing I am sure is a ton of fun. It is an exercise being done simultaneously all over the world, he can't tell me that much more about it, but they do have guys in from Hawaii that are helping with it, and I know they are having a good time. Like my sister said to, I am sure there is a lot of adrenaline pumping.

After he does his 20 years, at age 60 he will be eligible for a severance of $1700-$2000 a month and full medical. My point to him on that is, what good is $1700-$2000 a month if you don't have anyone to share it with and who is going to take you to all of your doctors appointments. Heck, with some of the things that have been happening in my life lately, who knows if you will even see 60, why not enjoy the here and now? One of the things that he has said he has enjoyed over the past year is the added stability that I bring to his life. No drama, we are really good together and we have a lot in common and just love the good times and work through the bad.

This is SOOOOO hard for me. I love and cherish my day to day life with him and everything we do. I love the times that we have spent together and the way that I have grown to be a part of his family and the way that he has become a part of mine. I absolutely love this person, BUT, I don't know if I can go through this for another 6 years. It is all about quality of life right? But the Navy, while I am sure benefits him in a lot of ways, does not benefit us and I think that he would be just fine without it. Neither of us are hurting for money, so I think the $1700 a month is a joke. Medical can change in the next 10 to 20 years as well. This is SO flippin hard.

Another one of the reasons why this is so hard on me is because, he is really all I have here. I have my family and his, but all of my good friends that I can talk to about this stuff are back East. If he leaves for a mobilization, I am here alone. I don't even know how to end this relationship, but I did tell him that I don't want to drag it out because I think that will just make things harder. He needs to just make a decision and we need to move on. I think part of me though knows that there is some damage that has been done to our relationship because he knows what is at stake and this is still that hard of a decision for him. Me or the Navy and he can't decide. I don't know, maybe I did the wrong thing here, but like my sister said, we are a couple and we should be making a big decision like this together. But, I don't think we are on the same side of the fence is the problem. This has been so incredibly draining on us. Did I make a mistake with the ultimatum though? I am not looking for a ring or a wedding or anything like that, I am just asking for him, and 100% of him. Relationships are sooooooo tough.


Kimba said...

Oh J I am so sorry you're hurting. All you can be is honest with him.

Big hugs from your east coast friend!

SBCVandy aka PreppyChemist said...

It's such a cliche but you have to be true to yourself. It's also so good you were up front rather than letting it go now and dealing with it in a complicated way later. That doesn't really make sense reading it, but I hope you get what I meant.

Kricket said...

I've been a Navy wife before. And it was the most horrible thing in the world. Needless to say, it ended in divorce. I realized that I am not cut out for that type of life and refuse to live it. Some people can. I am just very selfish and wanted everything in life that I could get. I knew when my ex's weekends were, when he had duty and it almost like those weekends and weeks had big red flags on them because I would dread them for MONTHS and then we would start fighting before he would leave, it was horrible. You really have to sit back and see what you want. He could be deployed at any moment. Are you ready for that. Are you ready for 6 -12 months alone and without him. These are all things you have to consider. 6 years is along time. Where do you see yourself in 6 six. Where does the Navy fit into that. Good luck girl!

Tres Poshe Preppy said...

Ahh, Jilly. I don't know what to say, so sorry...

I feel that if you have an issue, it was right of you to speak up as hard as it might have been, 6 more years is a long time. I know you love him and you two are so cute together but you do have to think about yourself and the life & lifestyle you want to have. You are a beautiful person and I know this might not be what you want to hear but if he chooses to go with the Navy, you will find someone who shares your vision. I do hope it works out for you and as cheesy as it sounds... things do happen for a reason, I have learned this time and time again. Even though it hurts like crazy! Good luck.

Anonymous said...

New to blogging but been reading your posts for sometime now. I've been married for 20 yrs and my husband's job has taken him all over the world gone for months at a time. plus have 2 children older now but It was not easy. All you can do is whats best for you. Be honest about your feelings its All about sacifice

J said...

I'm so sorry Jilly, I don't envy your situation one bit. You do have to do what is best for you. A military life is definitely a huge adjustment and commitment and you are very brave by being honest with him about it. There is never a "right" or wrong" answer when it comes to relationships and that is what makes them so hard!!!

Anonymous said...

That is really tough, but you do have to do what is right for you. Relationships are about compromise and if this is not something you are willing to compromise on, then you did the right thing. Hopefully, it is something that he is willing to compromise on. You don't want to end up resenting him or vice versa. Best to get it all out in the open now. It will all work out in the end. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. When does he have to give the Navy a decision?