This past Monday I sorta had a melt down (not really sorta, full blown). I have had a lot weighing on my mind lately, a ton actually and finally it just all came crashing down. BUT, the good part of it all is, that I have a wonderful partner in life who helps me get through the darkest times and helps me figure things out. I am lucky in that sense, but he is not always the easiest to talk to, or the easiest to bring difficult things up to. He tends to avoid hard topics. Avoid making big decisions, and when he does make a big decision, he then tends to go back and forth on it which gives me major anxiety. The good news is though, that we reached some major decisions which will work out for both of us.
I have been carrying a lot for us for a while, and in a lot of ways, I don't really mind, but at the same time, I view relationships as two way streets and I think that we should both see things as fair. The boy has his house which is about 30 minutes from me. We stop there once a week to get his mail, check on his house, shovel the driveway or mow the lawn. We have spent one night there since August. A whole week? Not in a LONG time. The majority of our time is spent at my place, which I rent. It is closer to our friends and the things we like to do. It is also very close to his work. At his house, no cable, internet and since no one is ever there, low electricity and heat. At my house, I have cable, internet, and higher heating and electricity bills. This has been going on for 3 1/2 years. So we talked about changes and what we could do. We have also clearly outgrown my place, so we know we need something a tad bigger.
I know what a huge and difficult decision this is for him. And I know how much he loves his house and how much work he put into it. But, at the same time, I feel the work that we have put into our relationship, and what we have, deserves the chance to grow in the right environment for both of us. My hardest time with this whole thing is that I don't want to be viewed as the ultimatum girl, or the girl that makes him unhappy because he has to change things. I guess I see this as a chance to grow together and build something that is already strong into something stronger. I also think that I deserve the chance to be happy too, and for a while now, that has been hard for me because we are cramped, I am stretching my dollars and I think that we could be more successful if we were in a better environment for both of us.
We have so much fun together, we love to do so many of the same things. I love to cook dinners for us, go to the movies, we love spending time with both of our families and I guess I just don't view our relationship as a difficult or trying one. Relationships I think as you get older become more difficult because you become more set in your ways. I am willing to compromise with him in almost every way. I know there will be things that will be difficult and things we will both have to give up as we go forward, but I also know that this relationship cannot go forward unless we do it together.
I think that for me, right now, I am so incredibly happy that we came to the decision that this is something that we both want and that we can do. The next steps will be very hard. The boy said that he is going to talk to his dad this weekend about putting his house on the market, it is a good time right now, so I think that is a good thing. We both started looking at things online in areas that we both like, but I think it is going to be more a matter of getting out there and looking. We also both need to come up with our wish lists and decide how much work we want to put into a place.
The other night the boy was talking about how sad he was going to be about moving from his house and all of the memories that he had there. He said, well, I am sure it is going to be hard for you to move from here. I said no. And I believe that. I don't think that memories are something that stay in a place, they are something that you take with you and have forever and treasure. They are also something that you look forward to building somewhere new with someone else that you love and share them with. For me, that is the next step, the next chapter, building new memories and sharing them with the boy that I love in the place that WE call home.
We have watched a lot of our friends and family move, renovate their homes, change their status in life and I think that we have learned a lot from that along the way. I know that there will be trying times ahead for both of us, but I know that I am willing to give it my all in order to be the best that I can for both of us (lately, that has not been the case). I don't think I can put into words how excited I am to take this next step with him and embark on the next chapters of our lives, but safe to say, that even through the stress of a ton of things going on at work this week, a ton of activities outside of work this week and social stuff, I have felt a sense of peace with the direction things are going. More to come on the next chapters of our lives. . . .