Friday, December 11, 2009

Put a Ring On It?

I think this time of year can be unnecessarily hard on some couples. I wish that there was someone out there that could explain to me why women put this pressure on their partners to put a ring on their fingers. Over the past couple of days I have heard three different women talking about how they better be getting rings for Christmas or else. Or else what? Maybe I am not the norm, but why is it that women cannot wait for the men in their lives to be ready and surprise them with something special like that. Why do women feel it is necessary to give men an ultimatum. If he's not ready do you really think that you will be able to build a solid foundation? If you have a good solid open line of communication, don't you think that everything will fall into place?

Not for nothing, but I am glad I am a girl, I would hate to have the pressure of choosing the "right" ring, for proposing the "right" way and in the "right" amount of time. I think that if you set expectations going into the relationship, build on that communication and foundation as you build that relationship that you will eventually both get to the same point that you want to be at. I guess I think that if you rush someone into something, they may resent you at some point. Why would you push someone into something that they may not want and may not be ready for?

I am sure I have a different view on this. I have never been one of those girls where my goal in life was to be married. If it happened it happened. And it did, but it was something that we discussed mutually and decided that it was the right thing for both of us. And then it fell apart. Which I guess has made me question how well did I really know that person. Or was it more, was I not being true to myself? Not really sure there, but I do know that ever since then I have examined relationships more carefully.

For me, I know that I do not need to be married to someone to be happy. That I need to be happy with myself first before I can make someone else happy. When I am not happy, it is hard to make someone else happy, and isn't that we all strive for is happiness, contentment, being fulfilled.

I hear girls saying things like, he better be looking at rings, or if I am not engaged by Christmas, well then he can just hit the road and I just cringe. Why would you want someone you love and care about to just hit the road. Isn't this something that you can talk openly about. Maybe he is feeling some kind of financial pressure, maybe he is on another time line and you need to make a compromise, maybe he is having second thoughts about the relationship.

I am just venting here today. Recently, my mentee through JLM broke up with a boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. She is in her late 20's and they had spoken about moving in together and taking that next step. During the last couple of months she felt him pulling away. They talked about it, and ultimately he felt that he was not ready to take that next step, so they went their own ways, which was the best thing for her as she had other goals in mind. As it turned out he wound up going on to have an affair with a married woman in their office (poor thing still has to work with the guy). Obviously this was someone that did not even share the same morals or ethics as she did, so it was definitely best in the long run, but what if she would have pushed him into something he was not comfortable with. Would they ever have been happy?

I am really curious how men feel about this. The boy and I talk about this quite a bit as we have seen it happen in a couple of relationships. His brothers for one, she kept saying they needed to get married for the boys (she has two OLDER boys from a previous marriage), not sure why, but whatever. I just think that if you have already been married twice, and neither of them worked out, you better examine yourself pretty closely before you decide to do it again. They do not have a pre-nup which I think is a HUGE mistake, but whatever. The boy also has a cousin who married a very young woman, she was married at 19. My goodness, at 19? I know that things were different years ago, but in this day and age, I was SO not grown up at 19! I had a lot of living and learning left to do! Of course I hope they make it, but I look at her posts on Facebook and just wonder, hmmm. She just had their first baby a week ago, I am sure that will make you grow up fast.

Please, no one has a perfect relationship, I am not an expert on ANY of this. I was just spouting a bit. I am happy that I do have a good solid relationship, but it does take a lot of work, on a daily basis, and I think that talking and communication is first and foremost. You really need to be on the same page going into it, no?

I guess all this Tiger news has really gotten to me and has also gotten me thinking. UGH! I HATE hearing about it non-stop. And it is really hard not to. I feel for them. It is such a private ordeal to go through, but he is a professional athlete, so unfortunately, his life is played out in the public. He obviously did not think too much about that going into these affairs. I also look at the women coming forward and I wonder, really? is this how you want your 15 minutes of fame captured? I feel for his children. Tiger obviously did not think much about how his fathers trysts affected him as a child. He obviously did not think about how much it degraded his mother. Part of me wonders if he does not have enough respect for himself, or his wife. Mutual respect is a big part of a strong relationship.

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. There are things I admire so greatly about the boy, I hold him in such high regard, but I also feel it mutually which I think is so important.

Maybe it helps that I love my basics, pearls and such, but I am not a "jewelry" girl. I love my costume jewelry and adding it to outfits as accessories, but I also have always had issues wearing rings. . . so, don't put a ring on it. Maybe when I am 80 for estate planning purposes.

Just to end on a wonderful note. I attended a Christmas wedding years and years and years ago. It was the weekend before Christmas and it was a candlelit service and the bridesmaids wore red velvet and carried white roses, while the bride wore a beautiful white dress with a BEAUTIFUL white cape that was trimmed in fur and carried beautiful red roses. They departed the ceremony via a horse drawn sleigh, it was stunning and SO romantic. So, I am not AGAINST marriage, I just think it is so much more beautiful when you see that mutual love.


Anonymous said...

That wedding must have been gorgeous! Was that while you were living in New England?

J said...

I will keep it short and sweet and just say that I agree with you completely!

Landlocked Mermaid said...

sweetie you have a very healthy perspective on this. when you stop worrying, and pushing and setting yourself up for disappointment like a lot of the women you mentioned you give yourself time to enjoy the relationship and where you are.. you sound like you are in a good place.. good for you xo

Preppy in Pink said...

I agree. It seems ridiculus to kick someone you love from your life for something so materialistic as a ring. I realize it has great significance but come on. When my Scott proposed he did it with a plastic ring from little cesars. I was happy as a clam. Eventually we went together to purchase our wedding bands but I still have that pizza pizza ring in my jewelry box. :)

Martha said...

I'm so with you here. You're a smart, smart girl, Jilly!