Monday, November 06, 2006

Good News and Bad News

The good news is, the boy was approved for a 90 day medical hold in order to get lasik surgery. So he will be home for the holidays and he is lucky enough to be a lasik candidate (I am not, and very bummed). He is excited to be able to sleep another 15 minutes in the morning. The medical hold was very tricky to get, and he had to jump through a lot of hoops to get there, but I am really glad that he did. Also, because of the fact that his contract is up September '07, there is a chance that they may not deploy him at all which would be nice. I think.

So that was the good news. The bad news. I received an email from one of my girls out East over the weekend with the boys profile, which was active, and had been accessed in the past week. I was very upset about this. I have issues with trust and men due to past experiences which I have tried very hard to get over. I thought I was doing a good job. The boy is aware of these issues and the fact that the last serious relationship that I was in, I was sent the boys Jdate profile and later found out he was dating someone else quite seriously, we broke up. Within two months of our break up he was engaged and within six months married. Oh well, live and learn right? I am not sure. The boy has NEVER given me a reason not to trust him or for me to think that there is or would be anyone but me. I have been fine with this but I know in the beginning, I was very guarded. Over the past couple of months we have just gotten closer and closer and we spend a good amount of time together. So I was very shocked, disappointed and hurt by this. I waited until after he was done with drills last night and went over to talk to him. He understood completely where I was coming from and "explained" why he had logged on in the past week, but to me, there never should have been a reason. (There was a girl that he was emailing before he met me who suddenly just stopped emailing him and then a couple of months ago sent him an email saying she had been in an accident, he replied back and said I am sorry to hear that but that was it, she sent him another email and he says he was just logging in to see who she was because he was curious and did not remember.) I don't like this, I don't feel very good about this and it gives me doubts which I wish I didn't have and I am not sure how to deal with them. I couldn't help it and my eyes were like faucetts last night and this weekend but that is how I get I guess. I was very hurt. I guess I still am. I told him I just didn't know if I could do this anymore or continue our relationship. He said he understood, but if he had to start back out at the bottom with me and work his way back up that it would be worth it. He shed some tears as well and let me know that he shares more with me than anyone else and he would not know what life would be like anymore without me. I believe him, and I know he is sincere, but all of this just makes things so tough. It is just very hard to forget how you feel, it is hard to not have doubts. I wanted to just leave. I stayed, we did not go to his parents for dinner, but made some pasta and watched some tv. Maybe being gone for a couple of days this week will be nice. Relationships are so hard.

My nephews birthday party was LOUD. Don't ever have 18-eight year old boys in your house at once, you are just asking for trouble. I had a headache and drinking was not an option due to the way I was still feeling. My nephew had a good time and the party was a success and he got some fun toys. My sister came down with a minor version of my crud so she spent the weekend on the couch. We watched movies and a lot of HGTV.

The boy would like to do something tonight, and he is supposed to drop me off in the morning and then pick me up when I get back Thursday, just feel really weird about the whole thing. My guard is back up I guess, wish it wasn't, not sure how to let it back down. I wish that he would just take his profile down, but maybe he doesn't want to, which I think just also tells me that he does not want to be in a monogomous relationship, he tells me otherwise, but his actions say differently. Not sure what the next steps will be. His profile, still up, and activated within the last 24 hours. Nope, not even after last night did he take it down. I guess that says a lot. Weird to think that just a couple of weeks ago I had tears because the thought of him leaving for 6 months + was breaking my heart, now it is just him and his actions that is breaking my heart.


Anonymous said...

Heeeey, your last guys sounds a bit like my last guy! (Found you through MonogramM )

Meg said...

I'm sorry, Jilly. Keep us posted on what happens. Hope things work out!

Anonymous said...

When you get back from your much needed break in FL - drop me a line if you want to talk about your Match situation, since I seem to be a little too much of an expert on these things.