Monday, October 16, 2006

Orders are in

The boy got his orders yesterday. It looks like he leaves on November 13th. It will be a week at Fort Bragg in NC and then onto Iraq. There is a "chance" that he could go December 10th and of course I am still holding out on hope that he doesn't go at all. I am so not sure how I feel about this. I am really really having a tough time. After not dating anyone seriously or wanting to BE serious about anyone in YEARS, I have fallen, whether I admit it to him or myself is beyond me. I have not told him directly how I feel about him, I guess I just go with the fact that he "knows" but at the same time I know and have been thinking about the fact that I know I need to tell him and I know he has been thinking the same thing with me. There are times when we are together that I can see the wheels spinning and I know he can see the smoke coming from mine. But it is so hard. I think after being bitten it is just SO flippin hard to let your guard down. I just cannot imagine after six months with him being such a constant in my life, what six months is going to be like without him. I can no longer imagine my life without him. I don't have a lot, or any real friends here, acquaintences yes, but definitely not any good real true friends. There were times this summer when he was busy or away and I was so lonely, but knowing that he was still "there" got me through. Now I am not so sure.

He had drills this past weekend, called me on his way home yesterday and said that he had been tapped on the shoulder and talked to. Could I meet him at his house, he wanted to talk to me in person. I think I was kind of emotionless when he told me, but really I was just numb. I am still not sure if it has completely sunk in yet. We went to tell his parents after that and had dinner with them. That was weird too. After struggling for months as to where I fit into his life and how big of a part of his life am I, the past couple of months have been very consistent, and I have settled into a very comfortable place with him and his family. I am not sure if I am prepared to miss him. The constant communication with him all day long, emails back and forth, the daily phone calls if not visits, how will I fare without these?

I have a pit in my stomach and tears burning in the back of my eyes. I am so proud of him, and I know that he is doing what he feels is right. But it is so hard to let him go, knowing that it will be the entire length of our relationship, until I see him again. So many questions that I want to ask but I am afraid to right now. What happens to us? How does he feel? Where do we stand? What happens when he comes back? What am I going to do without his hugs, someone to hold my hand, someone whose shoulder I have cried on when I get sad and miss everything out East. Who is going to be there to tell me it is okay and I will get through this and I have so much to look forward to with him here? I know I am being selfish, and really I am very worried about him, and I don't know how the moments in the days will pass without him going through my mind for every one of them. He has a lot of things to get in order in the next couple of weeks. His will, power of attourney, medical records, finances, work and the house stuff. It is going to be hard watching him go through these motions and also help him prepare. I just wish that someone could tell me how to prepare for this.

The real problem of leisure time is how to keep others from using yours.
— Arthur Lacey


Anonymous said...

I hate cliches but I think you have to take it "one day at a time" or else you will drive yourself crazy.

jillskict said...

I agree with you. So far that seems to be working, so why fix it if it is not broken. It is what it is, happens to be one of my favorite sayings. Things that are out of your control and no use fretting over.

Bossy Bar-Wife said...

Wow, I am so sorry. That is a lot to deal with, and I'm sorry you and he have to go through it. I'll be thinking of you...

lisagh said...

I have no idea how you must feel, but I do know what it's like to be far away from someone you love. I find comfort in little things and I'm extra careful to preserve silly memories (I often write things down and then read them later when I need a picker-upper). I'm sure it will be challenging, but 6 months will go by faster than you expect!

Anonymous said...

Oh I think you need the "it is what it is" tote bag from Snappy Turtle!

Hang in there :-)